31 Days of Clearning: Day 6

Day 6: Letting go of Rejection

Yesterday I received notice that not one of my three photograph entries made it into the art show. While this was the first time I've entered anything like this and tried to keep my expectations low, I was still hopeful of getting in.

Maybe it was the way they put the name of each photograph at the top of the letter, with the word "Rejected" next to it that brought on my reaction - but I cried.

• Abundant Waters - Rejected
• At Rest - Rejected
• Tranquility - Rejected

I think it was just one more thing that I was allowing to make me feel inadequate. At a time when I'm looking for some successes, it was a failure. My work not making it into the art show felt like one more failed marriage and one more job loss. I felt that me as a person and my work and my creativity were all being kicked to the curb.

Of course things usually look brighter when a new day dawns, and I was reminded of some things.

• I didn't fail at my marriage. Though I'm far from perfect and do take responsibility for my actions, I didn't fail at marriage and I didn't do the things that left behind smoke and ashes. I failed at choosing the right person to trust with my heart. I loved, I trusted, I reached out, I shared my heart, I communicated my hopes and dreams, I respected his decisions (before I found out all he had been doing) and I supported him through some things that came back to hurt me, my reputation and my finances. I didn't do this to us. I didn't break my commitment to us, I didn't lie, betray, or ignore my vows. One of my character traits is that I'm loyal and I won't betray your trust. Unfortunately, I have a history of attracting those that aren't and do. This time it was like throwing acid on old wounds. The things that were going on without my knowledge over the past few years were actions of a broken person who was already doing or on the path to doing these things before I met him. I happened to meet him along that path which took my life in a different direction. You won't find many that are more supportive, caring or loyal than I am -- if you're worthy of my trust. I didn't do the things that hurt a marriage, what I did was trust. Believe me, I am the queen of quilt -- if something has gone wrong or not worked out, I immediately go to thoughts of myself and what role I played in it. I look at my words, actions, what I did and didn't do. I'm really not one to blame others. I think some personalities pick up on that, so it's easier knowing they're with someone who will doubt themselves rather than take a look at their own responsibility. You know, I just can't do it this time -- I can't find anything that could be considered my own wrong-doing other than I trusted. I chose the person, I loved the person and I committed my heart to the person. That's what I can take complete responsibility for. The ending and the mess that continues isn't due to me being rejected. It has to do with the brokenness of another person, me finally letting go as I won't accept further betrayal in my life, the lessons and growth opportunities, and the moving on for my own healing.

• The job loss was really a blessing in disguise. The loss of income I'm not so fond of, but my skills weren't being utilized in this job and in many ways it was a job where the skilled, creative, knowledgeable Merri couldn't progress and was kept 'small' if you know what I mean. I've shown that I'm capable of so much more and was working toward leaving to focus on my Virtual Assistant business. The job loss was a push toward my goal and an opportunity to look for the other open doors. I take this one less personally, because the work wasn't challenging and the organization let go of 17 people that day. 17 highly skilled, competent, intelligent people; so I was in good company.

• I've never taken photography classes and maybe my art not making it into the show just tells me that I would benefit from further instruction. Also, there are many people who have told me that they enjoy my photographs and I've earned income through some of my earlier pictures through my Scenic Sentiments business. The judges are professional photographers, both who take a lot of nature shots. Some of it is subjective, some of it is skill, some of it is technical. I'm not sure of their reasons but I'm okay with it. I'm busy and getting art matted and framed for a show would have added more 'stuff' to my full life right now. They may have enjoyed the pictures, but maybe I didn't follow directions (I know the size of thumbnail was larger than the limit they set for the files) or maybe I entered them in the wrong category (if there was too much clean up, maybe they should have been entered in the color with special effects category). I do know that others like looking at my photographs and I love taking pictures. That won't change. If I'm serious about have professional judges like my snaps, then maybe I need to get more serious about the craft and take classes. No biggie. Let it go.

So, today I tore up the "Rejection" letter from the art show and let go of much of the hurt that it represented. No, I'm not suddenly healed in terms of the heartbreak from a marriage ending or with sorting through all the trust issues that remain. But I can see things clearly and I continue the process of letting go.

"Rejection is God's Protection."