While I've been posting my new things on Facebook, when I feel I have more to say I think it's appropriate to use the space here in my personal blog to share what I'm experiencing.
I can come up with 3 new things today:
1. I went to my friend Nicole's 30th birthday party. It's new in the sense that while I love my friend and want to be there for her any way that I can, I'm not really comfortable in crowds like at parties, especially walking into one alone. I go to movies alone all the time now, but social events / parties make me want to crawl out of my skin. It's not all crowds because the Southlands concert was crowded, but you could break away and walk along the shops and still hear the music. But, it's plain silly to not show up for a friend's party because of some mild discomfort and since my "One Word" this year is "Face," that means to stretch myself, jump in and face fears as well. Typing this, I realize how ridiculous that might sound -- face fears to go to a birthday party? Okay, it's not a huge fear that will throw me into a panic attack if I know there will be familiar faces that I can talk to one at a time, but parties only come easy to me if I'm the one hosting the party. Then I'm busy and occupied and more worried about making sure everyone else feels comfortable, fed and welcomed than I am about myself.
Being vulnerably authentic here, the other reason walking into a party these days is so uncomfortable for me is that I was 30 lbs. lighter the last time I saw the people I expected to see there; and the whole feeling of being seen isn't a comfortable one right now. See my heart, see my light, see my skills, see my desire, see my determination, see my intelligence, see my love, but let me hide my physical body behind the phone or an email, okay? :) Because of these 31 Days Projects, I haven't let my discomfort stop me from getting out and experiencing things, but some venues are easier than others.
I turn 45 in three days and I look in the mirror to see someone who, through life's experiences (both tragedies and good times) has somehow allowed herself to become 65-70 lbs. overweight. How I wish I was one of those people who didn't eat when they were stressed -- I'd be Twiggy by now. Alas, no -- I'm apparently an emotional eater ... or I don't eat all day, then eat the wrong things. However it came to be, through the loss of a daughter, quitting smoking, losing my dad, a marriage where we both loved to eat out a lot, a job loss and now a divorce, this is where I am physically. In the past nine months, even if I walked and ate salads the pounds still crept up. So I feel like people who see me must think that I eat all day when I don't. I hear that stress produces cortisone/cortisole which contributes to weight, especially around the middle. In August of 2009 I discovered and opened a Pandora's box that revealed my husband's lies and addictions. A Pandora's box that once opened, exposed a tidal wave of lies, deceit, and betrayal. Okay, so no one can argue that I've come through and am still currently in the middle of some stress. I'm not unique in that -- everyone has a story -- everyone has stress. But while I feel I am healing, moving forward and managing the stress fairly well, my body is handling it poorly.
So, to make a change I decided I had to shake things up and try something I hadn't tried before. So, you've heard of a food diary? I've decided to do a food photo journal. Before any food or drink goes in my mouth, I have to take a picture of it. Not every bite, just the bowl of fruit or plate of dinner. Then at the end of the day when I'm logging my progress I upload the photos to a private blog that will visually show me what I've consumed. And if one beer turns into three, I'll have three pictures of beer. If a handful of almonds becomes multiple trips, I'll see that too. Today at Nicole's birthday BBQ, I broke out the camera and took a picture of my food. If I'm going to do this, I have to do it wherever I'm eating. What will also be new is the idea of eating more often which seems counter intuitive to losing weight. But maybe I'll turn this metabolism around by eating a fiber bar or almonds or cheese stick (small things) every couple of hours. If I ever show this body that I am the boss of it, that will be a new experience.
2. Speaking of "Being Seen," I need to get out and network for my Virtual Assistance business. So, though they don't meet until August 2nd, today I RSVP'd to the Colorado Christian Small Business Women's Mastermind Group. I've never met with a Mastermind Group before, I hope this one has a good turn out.
3. On the way home from Nicole's (she only lives like a mile or two from me), I looked to the east to see a beautiful full moon and to the west to see another awesome sunset. I decided to stop at the corner shopping center to get some pictures. While taking snaps of the moon, something caught my peripheral vision to the right. Was it an airplane? My eyes were failing me and I couldn't tell -- it was moving like a floating bicycle built for two. An airborne contraption that people can peddle? I had no idea what I was taking pictures of until I got home and saw them on my computer. A big group of balloons that floated off into the sunset. If I had a professional zoom lens, these could have been some really cool pictures.
